I wrote the following on a Kleenex,
Aliens landed on my lawn
I've got a massive 12 inch cock
vale is not gay
Gordon Brown is a top bloke
Maddie lives in my garden shed
Its just a tissue of lies.
Following the success of recent national talent shows there are plans to launch a series of regional talent shows around the Birmingham, Bradford and Oldham areas.
Its going to be called Britain's got Taliban
The Nazis and the Winter Olympics had a lot in common, only the Nazis killed Poles with Lugers...
After the death of Nodar Kumaritashvili the Irish Luge team have refused to take any part in this years event until the track is gritted!
"Luge Resumes With New Safety Measures"
Toyota Brakes.
I've just realised that Curling is the perfect sport for couples.
It's got bowling for the guys and sweeping for the girls.
Msn news: Mum 'fined over dropped banana'
The government need to lighten up and accept it's a valid strategy in Mario kart.
Having just watched several rounds of Curling at the Winter Olympics, surely it would be better if the playing area was swept before they started fucking playing?
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
You know it's a good shit when it tears your Twitter
Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com
Red roses - check!
Barry White album - check!
Scented candles - check!
Tonight, that little hot minx of a wank sock won't know what's hit it.
Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.
NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again'
He is clearly not very good
The ultimate dilemma:
Whilst having a wank when watching porn, do you;
a) Wear headphones and risk not hearing someone coming up the stairs
b) Put the sound on low and risk one of the girls moaning louder than you expected, thus alerting everyone in the house
c) Use just one headphone but run the risk of only hearing your parents haveing it off in the bed room next door
I remember when my mum would tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.
I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7.
I call it: Windows 98.
Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said, "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me."
'Military coup ousts Niger president'
How many Americans thought Barack Obama had been overthrown?
I've been watching the skeleton bob closely, not seen him yet but i'm guessing its like where's wally?
Some random bloke has just come up to me and has taken my photo.
I'm gutted, I loved that photograph..
Last night, while off my head on drugs, I was apparently going around saying, "fo' shizzle" and, "what's up m'nigga", and allegedly carried out a drive by shooting.
I can't remember any of it though, I must have blacked out.
